Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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