So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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