Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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