i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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