There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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