Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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