i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
