there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
