dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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