i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
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