I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
