Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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