I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
