News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
