if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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