The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
