not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
