Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We need a shit load of segways right now
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
