these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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