she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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