Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
