just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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