I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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