pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
