Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
