I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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