My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
