Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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