waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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