God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I accidentally burped into my bong.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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