i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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