Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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