ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
