I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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