I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
