if i can run in heels then i can drive
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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