I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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