I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
