Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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