I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
