what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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