You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
