We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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