i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
