I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
