he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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