I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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