Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
