I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
