I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
