I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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