yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
