ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
