I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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