She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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