I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Congratulations! We have a period
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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